Just as soon as i get what i want
I get unsatisfied
Good is good but could be better
I keep looking, i keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more
So this song is exactly how I feel. The song is by Sara Evans and its basically hey I have brown hair, I want Blonde... Im single, but I want a relationship, so I find a perfect guy, then I want to be less attached... or I hey I got razor, but now I want the sliver. or whatever. Or maybe its what college your going to. How do you know what college is 100% right for you.
Isnt that so true. You want something for the longest time, and then you get it. But then you cant stop thinking about this other thing. You know what would my life be like if I had this. That other thing just seems better, or maybe unatainable. But thats all you want. But your not sure if you want to let that thing go. Or you dont know if y our just restless with the one thing. Or maybe that thing is just perfect for you and it scares you so you think about something else. Or maybe that other thing is what youve needed all along.
See its a never ending cycle. When do you know what, what its the right thing?
Sorry if i just compleatly confused you. But it makes perfect sence to me. And I deffinatly feel it sometimes. OR alot. Im not sure... which brings us back to the cycle.
Unspoken
I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Dont know whats down this road, Im just walkin'
Tryin to see through the rain commin' down
Monday, January 29, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
These are the days.
So I just got a call from Chris. Chris has been my one of my best friends since 4th grade. I just love this kid to death. We have gone through so much together, and I think ive talked about my faith more with him than I have with anyone prolly everyone else together. (Yes, this is the guy I went to homecoming with this year if you were wondering) He had such an influence on my life, that its nuts. And I just have to tell you the story of how we met. So Chris goes to Lakota and I went to Mason. In 4th grade his mom was the youth leader for 4th and 5th graders and my mom was taking over the position when chris went into 6th grade. So my I come up to him with my mom and she like this is chris hes a year older than you blah blah blah... and I was wearing a mason t-shirt and chris goes "MASON SUCKS!" and I was like "YOU SUCK (kick in the shin)" Ever since then we've been like best friends. But its so weird. I was talking to that same kid today and he was telling me about how in just a matter of months hes going to college. Isnt that crazy! Someone ive known that long and I remember as a 5th grader is completely grown up. That just blindsides me. Like this summer could be the last time i see him ever. (I hope not!) But could be. That is just so weird. But its cool. If we wouldnt have grown up and went through this stuff together we wouldnt be as close as we are so its a huge blessing. But its just so crazy to think about.
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend
And while were on that subject. I really dont know where I would be without my friends. I could be a totally different person. Like I was talking to Emily last night and Im so glad I dont live in mason. Like I miss Emily everyday. But aside from that theres not that many people I miss. (I mean their are a few Brooke, Amanda, Katie, Katie, but not many) You know I just fee like my friends take each other for granted. You know I know what it feels like to have no friends, or worse have bad friends. And we have some of the best friends we could imagine. Yeah we like to joke about "all my friends hate each other" but really out of all the groups of friends ive had we are the group with the least drama, the least hatred, and the most love. But I think its gotten to the point lately where we all got to comfortable with each other that we take that for granted. Lately Ive really been trying to appreciate my friends, and it has worked tremendously well. Like yeah I still get mad at my friends. But I get over it wayyyyy faster. Like I was mad at one of mr friends yesterday and I was over it pretty quickly. If you think your friends are important you let more things slide because you dont want to lose them. You know, Emily wishes she had in Mason what I have here. She is always like your friends are so cool. You can just chill and you seem to be really tight and stuff. You know we have it so good and I think we should see that, and act like it. I think that would solve the "tension" that everyone talks about (even though I dont really feel it maybe bc I have been following this new concept, I dont know). But yeah I just had to get that out there.
Basically I love you all and your so vital to me at this point in my life. And we have a little over a year and a half left together and its going to be amazing! Im so excited for it!
These are the days you will remember for the rest of your life
These are the memories you’ll pack in a box and pull ‘em out sometimes
So pick your flowers, count the seconds, roll the dice
But baby, don’t wait ‘till its too late
Put a smile on your face
These are the days
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend
And while were on that subject. I really dont know where I would be without my friends. I could be a totally different person. Like I was talking to Emily last night and Im so glad I dont live in mason. Like I miss Emily everyday. But aside from that theres not that many people I miss. (I mean their are a few Brooke, Amanda, Katie, Katie, but not many) You know I just fee like my friends take each other for granted. You know I know what it feels like to have no friends, or worse have bad friends. And we have some of the best friends we could imagine. Yeah we like to joke about "all my friends hate each other" but really out of all the groups of friends ive had we are the group with the least drama, the least hatred, and the most love. But I think its gotten to the point lately where we all got to comfortable with each other that we take that for granted. Lately Ive really been trying to appreciate my friends, and it has worked tremendously well. Like yeah I still get mad at my friends. But I get over it wayyyyy faster. Like I was mad at one of mr friends yesterday and I was over it pretty quickly. If you think your friends are important you let more things slide because you dont want to lose them. You know, Emily wishes she had in Mason what I have here. She is always like your friends are so cool. You can just chill and you seem to be really tight and stuff. You know we have it so good and I think we should see that, and act like it. I think that would solve the "tension" that everyone talks about (even though I dont really feel it maybe bc I have been following this new concept, I dont know). But yeah I just had to get that out there.
Basically I love you all and your so vital to me at this point in my life. And we have a little over a year and a half left together and its going to be amazing! Im so excited for it!
These are the days you will remember for the rest of your life
These are the memories you’ll pack in a box and pull ‘em out sometimes
So pick your flowers, count the seconds, roll the dice
But baby, don’t wait ‘till its too late
Put a smile on your face
These are the days
Monday, January 22, 2007
Torn Apart, Angry, Turned Around
So here is my first blog. Yay. Well dont get used to it because I dont really like writing blogs. Its something about having anyone who wants to read your personal thoughts. And you have to end up filtering. I prefer a journal. But hey im bored. And I dont really have anthing to get all hot and heavy about anyway so ok lets go.
"Its getting a little crowed in here with your two faces"
You know those people that are really f riendly to your face. They act like their your friend. You may have hung out a few times. And then you hear they have talked about you on several occasions. That makes me so mad. I think thats one of the meanist things you can do. To make someone think your their friend and really not be. Personally I would just rather know that you dont like me. Be mean, tell me to my face, be a big girl about it. Dont go behind my back and tell other people about it and act like were in Middle School again. Thats so dumb. If you dont like me thats cool. Hey we all have people we just naturally dont like, there is nothing wrong with that. Just dont pretend you do. Or if that person never did anything to you be friendly with them just dont be friends with them. You know there are people I dont know and I dont go up and tell them that, Im nice to them... I just dont pretend to be their friends. Thats so awful. I dont know I just really hate that.
"Nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith,
this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn"
I dont know how to feel. You know college is so close. Were planning our senior scheduals tomorrow. And Im excited! Im going to be a senior! But Im sad. I love my friends so much. Its my last time to have a little girl birthday. Its my last schedualing. Im never going to have to take one of those dorky school pictures ever again. And Im scared. I have to live alone. I have to leave me comfort zone compleatly. So im kind of a mess right now. I dont know its just a big deal and I dont feel old enough to be making those decisons for myself. I always knew it would come... but it always seemed light years away. But now it seems so close. So real. Ane the other thing is my parents. Its going to be the last time I live with them ever. But the sad thing is that im exctied about it. I love them but they are constantly bitching at me, and im sick of it. Im like the scapegoat im my house. No one else gets treated the way I do. Its gotten to the point where Im not the same person I used to be with them. After all these years of being the bad child I just went numb to them and I really dont care anymore. Im sure Im just over reacting and a few weeks into college ill be missing them but right now Im just ready to leave. But then I think about my amazing friends and the good times with my family and I dont want to go. So i guess you kind of see my dilemma.
"Where did you learn to shoot without restraint?
Oh baby wont you cry?
Show me theres some hurt behind your eyes"
Unspoken.
"Its getting a little crowed in here with your two faces"
You know those people that are really f riendly to your face. They act like their your friend. You may have hung out a few times. And then you hear they have talked about you on several occasions. That makes me so mad. I think thats one of the meanist things you can do. To make someone think your their friend and really not be. Personally I would just rather know that you dont like me. Be mean, tell me to my face, be a big girl about it. Dont go behind my back and tell other people about it and act like were in Middle School again. Thats so dumb. If you dont like me thats cool. Hey we all have people we just naturally dont like, there is nothing wrong with that. Just dont pretend you do. Or if that person never did anything to you be friendly with them just dont be friends with them. You know there are people I dont know and I dont go up and tell them that, Im nice to them... I just dont pretend to be their friends. Thats so awful. I dont know I just really hate that.
"Nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith,
this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn"
I dont know how to feel. You know college is so close. Were planning our senior scheduals tomorrow. And Im excited! Im going to be a senior! But Im sad. I love my friends so much. Its my last time to have a little girl birthday. Its my last schedualing. Im never going to have to take one of those dorky school pictures ever again. And Im scared. I have to live alone. I have to leave me comfort zone compleatly. So im kind of a mess right now. I dont know its just a big deal and I dont feel old enough to be making those decisons for myself. I always knew it would come... but it always seemed light years away. But now it seems so close. So real. Ane the other thing is my parents. Its going to be the last time I live with them ever. But the sad thing is that im exctied about it. I love them but they are constantly bitching at me, and im sick of it. Im like the scapegoat im my house. No one else gets treated the way I do. Its gotten to the point where Im not the same person I used to be with them. After all these years of being the bad child I just went numb to them and I really dont care anymore. Im sure Im just over reacting and a few weeks into college ill be missing them but right now Im just ready to leave. But then I think about my amazing friends and the good times with my family and I dont want to go. So i guess you kind of see my dilemma.
"Where did you learn to shoot without restraint?
Oh baby wont you cry?
Show me theres some hurt behind your eyes"
Unspoken.
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