Torn Apart, Angry, Turned Around

So here is my first blog. Yay. Well dont get used to it because I dont really like writing blogs. Its something about having anyone who wants to read your personal thoughts. And you have to end up filtering. I prefer a journal. But hey im bored. And I dont really have anthing to get all hot and heavy about anyway so ok lets go.

"Its getting a little crowed in here with your two faces"

You know those people that are really f riendly to your face. They act like their your friend. You may have hung out a few times. And then you hear they have talked about you on several occasions. That makes me so mad. I think thats one of the meanist things you can do. To make someone think your their friend and really not be. Personally I would just rather know that you dont like me. Be mean, tell me to my face, be a big girl about it. Dont go behind my back and tell other people about it and act like were in Middle School again. Thats so dumb. If you dont like me thats cool. Hey we all have people we just naturally dont like, there is nothing wrong with that. Just dont pretend you do. Or if that person never did anything to you be friendly with them just dont be friends with them. You know there are people I dont know and I dont go up and tell them that, Im nice to them... I just dont pretend to be their friends. Thats so awful. I dont know I just really hate that.

"Nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith,
this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn"

I dont know how to feel. You know college is so close. Were planning our senior scheduals tomorrow. And Im excited! Im going to be a senior! But Im sad. I love my friends so much. Its my last time to have a little girl birthday. Its my last schedualing. Im never going to have to take one of those dorky school pictures ever again. And Im scared. I have to live alone. I have to leave me comfort zone compleatly. So im kind of a mess right now. I dont know its just a big deal and I dont feel old enough to be making those decisons for myself. I always knew it would come... but it always seemed light years away. But now it seems so close. So real. Ane the other thing is my parents. Its going to be the last time I live with them ever. But the sad thing is that im exctied about it. I love them but they are constantly bitching at me, and im sick of it. Im like the scapegoat im my house. No one else gets treated the way I do. Its gotten to the point where Im not the same person I used to be with them. After all these years of being the bad child I just went numb to them and I really dont care anymore. Im sure Im just over reacting and a few weeks into college ill be missing them but right now Im just ready to leave. But then I think about my amazing friends and the good times with my family and I dont want to go. So i guess you kind of see my dilemma.

"Where did you learn to shoot without restraint?
Oh baby wont you cry?
Show me theres some hurt behind your eyes"


Unspoken.